Picture this: a bright red MAGA hat perched atop a lush green forest. Contradictory? Perhaps. But when it comes to imagining how former President Donald J. Trump might tackle America’s environmental challenges, expect a mix of “huge” promises, unexpected solutions, and a dash of his signature bravado. Grab your reusable popcorn bucket; this is going to be entertaining.
Step 1: Rebranding Environmentalism
First, Trump would likely start by rebranding environmentalism. After all, who needs terms like “climate change” when you can call it “Climate Winning”? In his world, marketing is everything, and the environment deserves a better PR campaign. He’d roll out slogans like, “Make America Green Again” (but only if the caps come in gold) and assure everyone that he’s bringing “the best” air and water.
Expect an executive order renaming the EPA to something snazzier, perhaps the “Exquisite Protection Agency.” Of course, he’d insist it’s the most effective environmental agency ever, even better than whatever Obama had.
Step 2: The “Tremendous” Solar Solution
Forget windmills (“because they’re terrible, folks, and they kill birds, believe me”). Trump would take solar energy to the next level. His proposal? Installing solar panels on Trump Tower and dubbing it the “Sunshine Skyscraper Initiative.” It would, of course, come with an enormous Trump logo visible from space.
But it doesn’t stop there. Imagine him announcing at a rally: “We’re building the most tremendous solar farms you’ve ever seen, folks. Acres and acres of solar panels, bigger than any solar panels in China. And we’ll call them ‘Freedom Farms.’ The sun loves America, folks, believe me.”
Step 3: Plastic Straws for Freedom
Remember Trump’s affection for plastic straws? While some might call for bans, he’d take a different route. Instead of outlawing single-use plastics, Trump could introduce a premium line of reusable Trump-branded straws made of “patriotic materials” (likely gold-plated steel).
“We’re not going to let the radical straw-haters win,” he’d declare. “But these reusable straws? They’re incredible. The best. Perfect for all your Big Gulps and diet sodas.” Bonus: proceeds could fund his environmental initiatives…or, let’s be honest, future rallies.
Step 4: Trees, But Make It Competitive
When it comes to forest conservation, Trump’s approach would likely be a cross between The Apprentice and the Olympics. “We’re starting the Great American Tree-Off,” he’d announce. “Whoever plants the most trees gets a golden shovel, maybe even named after me. Let’s call it the ‘Trump Tree Triumph.’”
Of course, he’d insist that America would plant “ten times” more trees than any other country. And just in case anyone questions his commitment, he’d hold photo ops planting “tremendous” saplings, probably on golf courses.
Step 5: The Great Wall of Clean Energy
Trump loves walls, so why not use that enthusiasm for environmental innovation? Enter the “Great Wall of Clean Energy” along the southern border, adorned with solar panels, wind turbines, and maybe a mural of Trump himself, arms crossed, standing tall against pollution.
“This wall doesn’t just keep things out; it brings energy in,” he’d boast. And don’t worry, Mexico would still “pay for it,” presumably by exporting sunshine and wind.
Step 6: Coal, But Classy
You didn’t think Trump would abandon coal, did you? No, no. He’d rebrand it as “Clean Coal 2.0”, coal so advanced it practically scrubs the air itself (or so he’d claim).
“People said coal was dead, but they were wrong,” he’d declare. “We’re bringing it back, folks. And it’s going to be cleaner, shinier, and classier than ever before. It’ll sparkle like a diamond.”
Step 7: “Eco-Trump” Resorts
Finally, Trump would dive into the ecotourism industry. Imagine sprawling Trump-branded resorts in national parks, marketed as the ultimate eco-luxury getaway.
“We’re talking glamping like you’ve never seen,” he’d say. “Campfires? Yes. But marshmallows roasted over the finest coal. Hiking trails? Of course, with paths paved in gold (metaphorically, of course). And let’s not forget the five-star Trump lodge with views of pristine American wilderness.”
Wrapping It Up
At the end of the day, Trump’s environmental policies might be as polarizing as his political career. But one thing’s for sure: they’d be memorable. Whether he’s planting “huge” forests, building solar skyscrapers, or rebranding environmental efforts with his trademark flair, you can count on it being done in “tremendous” Trump style.
And hey, if nothing else, at least the press conferences would be endlessly entertaining. Who needs boring policy details when you’ve got catchphrases and gold-plated everything? After all, in Trump’s America, even the environment would be “winner takes all.”
